I just recently read the book, The Pursuit of Perfect, by Tal Ben-Sharer Ph.D. a recovering perfectionist.   I thought it was excellent reminder for all of us to remember our humanness and to learn that the only way to grow is through trial and error, which at times means letting go of being perfect and gulp… even failing sometimes.

We live in a culture where we see perfection all around us, in advertisments, beauty ads, magazines, in movies and on the television.In many ways it has distorted reality for some of us.In addition, in many personal development circles the idea of being “happy” and positive all the time seems to be the “ideal.”In reality being positive all the time is just not part of how humans are wired.

Masking human emotions:

When we do not allow ourselves to experience painful emotions, we limit our capacity for happiness.Painful emotions intensify when they are not released, they will eventually come out and can overwhelm us.Painful emotional are an inevitable part of being human, and therefore rejecting it is ultimately rejecting our humanity.To lead a full and fulfilling life we need to allow ourselves to experience the full range of human emotions.In other words, we need to give ourselves permission to be human.

Are you a perfectionist?

  • Do you reject failure?
  • Do you cover up or mask painful emotions or experiences, through an addictive behavior, such as: workaholism, alcoholism, shopping, drugs, or overeating?
  • When life doesn’t go smoothly (which is the expectation) do you get extremely frustrated and have difficulty coping?
  • Do you high expectations for yourself and others?
  • Are your expectations so high that in reality they are never attainable?
  • Do you dismiss your successes once you reach your goal, because you immediately move onto the next task or goal?

The perfectionist tends to see the glass as always half empty. No matter how successful he is, his shortcomings and imperfections eclipse all of his accomplishments. So what can you do to change this pattern?

Letting go of perfection:

Learn to accept failure as a natural part of life and as an experience that is inextricably linked to success. If you want your baby to learn how to walk, you have to let them fall a few times.  Give yourself the same grace. Experience of failure, challenges or hardship makes us strong and more resilient. Learn to accept painful emotions, try not to stuff them away but get comfortable feeling uncomfortable.  Celebrate your successes.  Take time to honor the hard work you and others have put into accomplishing something.  Also honor the smaller accomplishments, such as just making it through a whole day of not just frustrated with yourself or others. Accept the harsh reality that we are all humans, with faults and imperfections.  Whenever someone frustrates me or I get frustrated with myself, I remind myself that my humanness is coming out.

Re-framing Failure:

If you fail more frequently, it means that you are challenging yourself and it is only when you do this that you learn and grow.We often develop and mature much more from our failures than from our successes.When we fall down and get up again we become stronger and more resilient.

Failure and overcoming hardships also boosts our self esteem. It teaches us that we can trust ourselves and take on challenges rather than avoid them. Failure means stripping away the inessential and gives you an inner security. You will never really know yourself or the strength until you have been tested by adversity.

Here is to letting go of perfection and allowing yourself to fail and laugh about it.

Until next time…

Sharon